Divorced Parents Need To Stop Being Selfish

We were once a happily married couple, but we are now going to be divorced parents who are still struggling to put our own feelings and emotions to one side to concentrate on what’s best for our children. Our marriage is over and 4 months down the line the breakup is still affecting my ex-husband greatly, he’s finding this a difficult and stressful time and although I understand his anger and hurt, he is making it impossible to salvage a friendship.

DIVORCED PARENTS NEED TO STOP BEING SELFISH

• I can’t help but think he is being selfish, all I hear is how he feels and how he has nothing left since I ended our marriage. Sadly the fact we have six children trapped in the middle of our bitter marriage breakdown isn’t a priority to him. I understand he’s angry with him; he blames me for his heartache. I ended the unhealthy and unhappy marriage.
• He hasn’t taken responsibility for anything as of yet, but I have spent the last four months recovering from the breakdown of our marriage and I am using this time to find myself and to learn from the past experiences. There were faults on both sides and I had hoped in time he would accept I made the right choice.
• I have moved on and I am picking up the pieces and appear to be happy, I suppose I am, happier than I was when we were living together at least, but I am fighting with a mental illness and trying to raise six children the best I can under extremely stressful circumstances. He isn’t playing ball he’s making things so difficult. So much so that the police had to become involved.
• He’s hurting and I do know how he feels as he has told me enough times, but he won’t respect my decision to end our marriage. He still asks can we try again. He does not want to accept its over. His obsession with me is destroying any friendship we could have saved.
• We are no longer together and he has to finally accept that we are going to be divorced parents and we both need to be able to keep a form of communication open for the kids sake. At this time, I am struggling to even want to talk to him, although I am in person to arrange contact with the children.

Face to face arrangements are the only way it will work at the moment, I do not wish to go into details as the police are involved and I am hoping this will help to solve the issues I am having.

THE CHILDREN HAVE TO COME FIRST

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• How are the children coping with the breakdown of the marriage? I think really well, I am talking about the situation as much as they want too. If they have questions then I am answering them honestly in an age appropriate manner. Of course, the older children understand more than the younger ones.
• The home is happier and less stressful now, I am shielding them the best I can from the current situation. There are no arguments and the tension has gone. I paint a fake smile when he wishes to talk to me or when he arrives to collect the children because I know how important it is to enable the children to spend as much time with their father as they do with me free from drama.
• I want the children to see that sometimes mummy and daddy are happier people and better parents living apart. Contact is going well and I am more than happy for them to spend time with him each day. So far so good, I am able to arrange daily contact and weekend nights.
• The children appear happy with this arrangement and a rule is each day I will ask the younger children after I collect them from school if they want to go to daddy’s house for tea. Most times they do, except for our 6-year-old. Our 6-year-old has taken a dislike to his daddy’s new house, to his daddy in general. He calls him naughty as he made his mummy cry.

As much as I try not to discuss the marriage in a negative way, when the father is questioning the children constantly they know it’s not right and it makes them feel bad, they are being asked to break the loyalty they feel towards one of their parents.

THE CHILDREN ARE NOT WEAPONS

• Using children in a way to gain information from them about the other parent is wrong, hes asking them what I am doing, where I am going and with whom. They are questions that should be being asked to the children. Time spent with the children should be fun quality time. The children do not need to be in the middle of a war field.
• It’s not fair on them or me as it’s causing me so much stress. My mental health is suffering big time and I am at my whit end. Divorced parents need to understand that the children should never be placed in this predicament; they never asked to be in this situation. I had hoped we could co-parent as co-parenting amicably with your ex can give your children stability and close relationships with both parents, but it’s rarely easy as I am finding out.
• I had hoped we both wanted the best for the children and they would not suffer. But, they are and they will continue to do so if nothing changes. I need the children to know that I am putting them first. That, we both still love them the same way as we did before the marriage broke down. That, this is in no way their fault. I need them to feel secure so they are able to adjust quickly to the new changes. And want us all to know when they will see their daddy and that contact is consistent.
• I also want to be a good role model to them and show them that sometimes things don’t work out the way we planned. But, there is always a way to work around things. Most importantly that they themselves will learn that they do need to put themselves first.

THE MARRIAGE WAS DAMAGING HIM AND ME

• It was unhealthy for us all and I wasn’t happy and that’s why I end the marriage. I want the children to see that they can speak out and they can want more for themselves. We all deserve to be happy.
• I am trying so hard, but it’s very difficult when only one of us is putting in this effort. I never thought we would become divorced parents. But, we have and I am fighting to make the very best of the current situation.
• Divorced parents need to stop and think before they text, inbox, phone, or make negative comments against the other parent. Children see and hear everything and they learn from us.

Do you think divorced parents stop being selfish can ever remain friends?